Hopes and Dreams

Feel the embrace of Hopes and Dreams. Feel the sweet caress and let it take you in completely.Taste beneath your lips. Take in the wholeness. Become one. Look into the eyes and know that what you see is so pure and right that it becomes part of you. Your self is now the self . There is no separation. Dive deep into it and never feel alone again. Take comfort in that and smile for you have found what you have been looking for.

My dear sweet moonbeam. Where have you fled to on this cloudy night. I can not see without your guiding light. It is dark and lonely. I feel the chill of emptiness running through every part of me. Your absence is like breathing without air.

A New "Hat"

Flowing out of my fingers onto this computer screen are words. Not just words but thoughts from my soul. I share here on this blog my inner self. The self that not many people see. I write to put down my thoughts and then look at them and make sure that I haven't lost my mind entirely. I say entirely because I already I have lost some and I know I can never recover those pieces back. I don't really want to either. How can we want to get something back if that means that it might change the person we have become? Even if you aren't happy with who you have become who is to say that you would have been happier with what you could have become?

Looking into this concept is not exactly easy but it is something that I am trying. Like a new hat if you will. I am putting the idea on and seeing how it suits me. Does it look good if I turn this way? Does it stay on even in the most blustery of times? Perhaps if i add a feather to it. Altering the idea to make it suit me more might work. Now I have given the idea a true run through the wash and it hasn't shrunk or changed shape in any way. I have worn it through hell and back and it still looks as good as the day I came up with it. Well then I am thinking that it might be a keeper.

To be truly happy with ones self you need to not regret what has transpired in your life for it is the guts of your soul. Your past does not define you but it does show how far you have come. Your experiences in life have created the person you see in the mirror? That is complete crap of course. When you look in the mirror can you see how kind you are? Can you see the vivasciousness that is your spirit?! No you can't. Don't look in the mirror and search for yourself. Close your eyes and look into your soul. That is you. Allow your soul to breath. Make room for it. Don't keep it hidden. Share it with the world. Don't let the world keep you from sharing it.

Winter Approaches

Good night sweet sun,

You have given me beauty and light when there was none,

Shining so radiantly onto my skin,

Making me feel alive again,

Giving hope where I lacked,

Complete lust to attract,

I yearn to be selfish and steal you away,

But who am I to create a grey day,

Thank you for the gift of your love,

Now it is time to let free the mourning dove.

Autumnmmmmm

Lay down in the grass under a tree full of life. Let those blades of grass take you in. Now look up. Feel the sun shine through the leaves. Watch the light as it dances in the fall colors. Now take a deep breath. Breath in those colors. The vibrant reds rush through your body. The radiant oranges slip down your skin. The cool greens flow through you like water. The sensuality of autumn has arrived. Let it become part of you. Sink into it and open your mind.Can you feel the trees shedding their leaves? Can you taste the magic on your tongue? The taste is incredible. The taste is change.

Spot On

"Once you start to awaken, no one can ever claim you again for the old patterns. Now you realise how precious your time here is. You are no longer willing to squander your essence on undertakings that do not nourish your true self; your patience grows thin with tired talk and dead language. You see through the rosters of expectation which promise you safety and the confirmation of your outer identity. Now you are impatient for growth, willing to put yourself in the way of change. You want your work to become an expression of your gift. You want your relationship to voyage beyond the pallid frontiers to where the danger of transformation dwells. You want your God to be wild and to call you to where your destiny awaits."- John O'Donohue

Love can not be defined for it means something different to each soul. A lover need not speak of how much or in what way they love their split apart for their split apart has but to look in their eyes and see.The heart is just an organ it does not love. Your soul and essence is what loves. Your spirit is what truly sees. Love is not about need but more about choice and desire. I can breath without you but I would much rather breath with you. I can make up my mind on my own but I desire your opinion more than anything. I can stand on my own two feet but would you care to stand next to me and hold my hand? Share this light with me? Be the kindle to my fire and I shall be your's. I don't see love being about need at all.

It just isn’t big enough. Nothing is big enough. Everything is small compared to what I have in my mind. I have no idea what all inhabits me but I have this urge to discover it. I want to dig deep into myself and hear the call of the bigger. The MORE! The NOW! Living in the moment. Taking it all in! Letting it become more than just an idea or thought. Letting it become an action. I want to ACT instead of react. I want to be the cause not the affect. I want to be the thread not the needle. I want to be the sun not the flower. You see where I am going with this. I want to be instead of become. I have all that I need inside of me. I am not afraid of it. I will embrace it and welcome it. It is a part of me and no one can take that away. My spirit is immense and filled with untouched and untapped potential. All I need to do is listen and accept. Let it take me over. Let it swell around me and engulf my very being. It is who I am and I should not deny that it exists within me. I can feel it oozing out of me. I can feel it expelling out of me like ink from a pen. Just a little persuasion and there it is. Bold and beautiful. Full of mystery and endless possibilities.

For some reason I don’t seem to know weather or not I am falling or rising. Am I spinning out of control or standing perfectly still with a sense of absolute self awareness? Where is my head have I dropped it again? Are those my feet? These fingers seem to be mine but do they really belong to me? I am not so sure. I say to myself that I am a woman of many roles. Now I just sound like I am some dramatic, diluted, balemic, self absorbed, petty, neurotic, actress that believes that life is acting in many roles. I assure you I am not. I suppose I should use a better word than “roles”. I take many forms in my life.

Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I don't quite recognize myself. I see this empty shell of an incredible woman. I don't think it is terrible what I have become but it is not what i planned exactly. I am not sure if this is what is "normal" to think about or if it very "motherly" of me. I just have some feelings of disappointment. Not in my kids at all! Just in myself. Not having the balls to keep myself through it all. Staying true to myself. Knowing who I am and sticking with that image. Keeping that image crystal clear in my minds eye. I want to look in the mirror and know who I am and be happy with that. I don't want to have this void. I am happy don't get me wrong. I love my family. I just wish I could have that fire too. I suppose that is another less obvious reason we tell our kids not to play with fire. Children and fire in any form can never co exist. I just wish there a solution or even a compromise of some sort. I need that. I need to fill this void.I don't want to fill it with just anything. I want it to stand for something. Didn't when you were a kid ever itch to make some kind of dent in the world. To leave it better than the state you were born into. My children are my dent. They are my difference in this world. They are what I need to fill this void

A Delicious Quote

"When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning. "

— John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom)

Confuzzled

I have lately been racking my mind trying to think of the answers to the questions but all I get is more questions. Perhaps it is actually in reverse. I am getting all the answers and none of the questions. All I know is I am not getting the whole picture. I try and try to remain open to all thought but sometimes it can be difficult. My mind can get clouded by ideas that aren't really there. They are just an illusion,smoke screen, false face, or mask hiding what is the reality of it all. I want to see it for what it really is. I want to feel it for what it really is. I want to touch it for what it really is. I want all this and so much more. If only I knew what it is. I want the answer or was it the question? I do know this, that I can't get it out of my mind what ever it is.

I will Scream

Doubt is like poison in my cup of creativity. My mind is filled with emptiness. I am lacking substance. Can't seem to discover that inner beauty that everyone seems to see but me. I remember those eyes. I remember those hands. That image in the mirror is me but I am not there. The quiver of a memory circulates through my body as if trying to breath life back into it. Memory after memory rushing through me likes jolts of electricity. Pulsing every which way attempting to make the empty shell that stands cold feel again. Grasping desperately at mere recollections of a time long since past or perhaps grasping onto a time that will never be. Doubting every step I took and every step I will take. The past blurrs into the present and the present blurrs into the future. I refuse to be a regret. I refuse to be a doubt. I will not stand by and become just a memory. I am breaking free of this shell. I am shedding this doubt. I am conquering this mountain of uncertainty and once I reach the top I will scream. I will scream for all those that couldn't scream before me. My voice will ring out and I will no longer be just a memory.I will be the woman that I have so long wanted to be.

Inner Strength

Locked away deep inside,

Where even the shadows do not hide,

Come into this place of mine,

And see for yourself if I am fine,

My dark eyes cry out to you,

Tears fall soft like fresh morning dew,

There is not time to explain,

For I now know you can't relieve the pain,

I must find the strength inside,

Where even the shadows do not hide.

Train - Hey, Soul Sister......Yes indeed :-)

Nectar of the Gods

My painting is finished and now I feel this deep need for more. I received the nectar of the gods and crave it again and again. Almost as if my hunger for it's taste will never be satisfied. My fingers, again, ache to be creating. I have opened myself up to all kinds of possibilities for new creations. I feel as if I have become aware of all the beauty in the world and how I can combine it to make something spectacular. Working with so many different materials gave me such a new experience. The textures of the fabrics. The smell of the pine wood. The thread through the needle. The pricking of the finger. Mixing pain with creation. The feeling of the paintbrush on the fabric. The sound of the screws going deep into the wood. All part of this new picture I am painting. The picture is my life and I am finally the one doing the painting.. To quote my glorious mother " I have found this day to be very much in my own hands. What I move with, what is present, is dependent on how I see it. Potential is in the eyes of the beholder. Distraction, humiliation, non-recognition are all part of what makes one let go, so one can open up to potential, and move out clearly what cannot see." -Clarity

The Wisdom That is Walt

"Happiness, not in another place but this place...not for another hour, but this hour."— Walt Whitman

This quote rings true. You have to live for this time. Focus on what is right in front of you not behind you and not ahead of you. If that is what makes you truly happy then give it space to grow and become something that is awe inspiring. Don't be happy with the past because the present isn't exactly what you thought it would be. Don't punish the present for the past and don't set too high of standards on the present because the future is pressing in. Let this hour show you something that is real.

A Conversation With Myself

Hello. Who are you? I am me. Do I know you? Of course you do. I am you. Don't you remember? No I am sorry I do not. Well I am the person within the person. I am the one in the shadows. I am the one unseen. That deep and dark place. That place that holds so much power that you keep hidden till that day. That day that you become a force to be reckoned with. That moment when you release that which you have been holding. All that power will explode out of you that day. You will become me and I will become you. Till then I am in the shadows.

Falling In Art

Starting a piece of art is like falling in love. At first you are unsure of the potential of it. Then you become more and more entranced by it's splendor. You begin to notice how each time you sit to paint it gets harder and harder to stop your brush from taking another stroke. You want to keep going and going. To see where this creativity will take you. What unknown area of your soul will it bring out onto it's canvas. The excitement of it all surrounds you and you can barely stand it when you are not able to express yourself. You are completely captured by it's beauty and passion.Eager to see what will become of these first exposes to paint on canvas. The mystery is terrifying but you are comfortable in it. Letting it cover you and take you in. You become so one with the piece that you can feel it even when you are not in front of it. Imagining all the ways you can make it come to life. That is the moment that you notice that you have begun a journey. A journey that will take you places you have only dreamed of. Now there is no turning back. Further down the rabbit hole you must go. Fall.

I am starting a new piece of work finally. Hence this little bit of thought. We shall see where it takes me.

"Public" Behavior

I need to remember. When things get tough with my kids and I feel as if I am about to implode that there is much more things that are bigger than that. It is so easy to get lost in the sorrow of spilled Diet Pepsi all over your crotch in a restaurant. It is so easy to forget that they are just kids and they aren't going to act just like an adult in public. Hell do I really want them to? When I see those kids that look so terrified to do anything wrong I feel sad inside. I don't want my kids to feel that they can't make a mistake. So what if they forget to cover their mouth and say excuse me when they burp? Compared to the amount of times they remember that is pretty incredible. Like I said though it is easy to get caught up on that mistake. To go overboard with the punishment just because we are out in "public". Really I am just acting this way because I am embarrassed. My child doesn't feel society breathing down their neck. They only know that mommy has become a lovely shade of magenta and she is giving me the mad eyes. I am their link to the "other world". The world beyond our community known as family.They need my understanding of the mistakes and my encouragement to do the right thing next time. Just because I feel ashamed doesn't mean that they have to know that pain. They are just children and let them hold onto that a moment longer.

XVII A Love Sonnet By Pablo Neruda- This sonnet speaks to my inner spaces

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
`
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
`
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
`
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)
`

Throwin Quotes

"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Love is when you look into someone's eyes, And see everything you need."Kristen Kappel

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

I would give anything for just a bit of. A bit off sanity. A bit of silence. A bit of solitude. A bit of yoga. A bit of coffee. A bit of more. Let's face it. I just want a bit of more. Looking into my children's' eyes and seeing all that I have given I suddenly become terrified. Will there be a day that I will have given everything and have nothing left to give? That is why I suppose it is so important to take time to feed the soul. You can't get water from a well if it finds it's self without water to give. I need more to give. Give and more are two words I see an awful lot in this little ramble of thoughts. That is a mother's task. To give more. Children will always hunger for more and it is our mission to not let them starve. So rarely are we told how to obtain that mysterious more that is spoken. It is something that you have to stumble upon on your own.Not unlike everything else that involves mothering a child. The pressures of knowing that you are in complete control( HA! Yeah I know. Complete control my ass but it is a nice thought.)of a smaller version of yourself. It is truly scary and wonderful all at the same time. As I am typing this I am realizing that this whole post is all rather random and lacks flow...............Perhaps I should get a case of Activia for the flow problem and develop extreme organizational skills over night? Eh how about some wine and Hafiz instead. Feed that soul. On a side note I know that the title has nothing to do with the post but hey it be a great word

Letting Go

To breathe in and let that breath flow through you. Feel the earth move under your feet. Imagine the crashing of the waves engulfing your body. Letting go of it all and just let yourself fall. Fall down into the depths. Where there is no light nor is there dark. There is only feeling. Every fiber of your soul comes to life. The fire ignites with in you and suddenly you are aware of it all. It is as if you had never really used your senses before. Your true senses. Your soul senses. The senses that speak out without using words. You have been reborn and now is the time to really FEEL it ALL. Your body quivers with the newness. You take in another breath and this time you breath in everything. You feel that breath tingle all the way through to your inner spaces where nothing dare go. Invigorating , energizing, completely filled with passion. Now to step out of your deep dark place and let the light in.

IL DIVO The Promise La Promesa

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

The promise

If you're not here, I'll become a shadow
If you're not here I'm gonna feel you
how I'd like [to have] the moments that are unrolling
you'd be alone with me
lost in this force that now is
close

In the sky, in the sun
I give you this life and this heart
my promise will remain sincere
it will wait here for you

If you're not here, I will follow the light of the stars
wherever you are, I will cross a sea to get there
there is every move that
blows that fragility of yours on my destiny

In the sky, in the sun
I bring to you this life and this heart
my promise will remain sincere
and it will wait here for you

I won't stop, I'll always be searching
I won't breathe
I have the music , I'll give a song to you,
you are [the] melody, you are mine

In the sky, in the sun
I've finally gained a true love
[being] together it's a dream
our days in this world will be serene
the promise will remain sincere
for eternity

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

A Moment

To find that moment. That window of time to give in to all your passions. To sink into the emotion of it all. To only feel that which is boiling at the surface but never dared emerge. You know the instant your mouth opens with the idea to create it will be the most exquisite work of complete chaos that you have ever uttered. You know that if you let the moment proceed on that you will never truly know. So you seize it and slip it into the folds of your soul. Feeling it give in return. Closing your eyes, you let it shine right into you. Envisioning the idea taking form you pick up the brush and feel your body let go. You embrace the idea fully and accept the true and ever changing nature of it. Trembling with the anticipation of the first stroke of paint that touches the blank canvas. That is the moment when your ideas become the masterpiece. It is truly amazing to watch your hand as it unleashes all the passions that you are feeling deep within. Perhaps it will never be proclaimed as "art" in the critic's eye but that does not matter. Take the moment and savor the pleasure it brings.

I know I have been writing quite a lot about painting and the truth is that I still have yet to find the time to even dust off my palette. I suppose I just have an artist way of feeling things. Everything I do is like painting to me. Waking up to my daughter giggling. A stroke. Stepping down each step before the sun has even bloomed. A stroke. Turning on the coffee and taking a long,slow,deep breath. A stroke. My day has begun as has my masterpiece.

Time

To find time for yourself is almost impossible as a mother. You are always having to take care of something or someone. If I do find a moment to myself then I am bombarded by guilt that I am not taking care of something or someone. It isn't exactly what you call ideal but hey what can ya do? Screw that noise! I know what I can do. I can take the time! Just grab it and own it! Know that I deserve it and don't let guilt stand in my way. I am not going to limit this just to mothers though because I know that a lot of fathers deserve their moments of solitude as well. Oddly enough though most fathers have no worries about taking the time.So why is it then that we(mothers) have such a difficult time? I could play the whole gender card and just say it is our sensitive feminine nature but I know better.It goes much deeper than that. Just speaking for myself really here I would have to say the reason I have issues with taking time is that there is no border between work and home. My work and play coexist within each other, but funny enough I even need a break from the play. Mainly because the play is 2 and 4 year old play and not so much adult play. I love building airplanes out of Lego's and drinking air out of tea cups but I can only go on so long before I start becoming just a little wonky. Who am I kidding I already am a little wonky. I suppose the whole point in this little entry is that I want for all the mothers in the world to not feel so damn guilty about locking the bathroom door and enjoying a good soak in a hot bubble bath. A girl can dream can't she?

Love the lyrics of this song-Set Down Your Glass by Snow Patrol

Stars and Dots

Watched a movie tonight that really brought out some inner feelings. I realized a very important fact. Fear is a necessity if you are going to survive. Many people I am sure would not agree. "To live in fear is not living at all" they would say. Ahh but I believe that to live in fear and then still step forward and do it.....now that is something all on it's own. That is a strength in your soul not just in your body. I am scared shit less so I suppose I should be this incredibly strong and independent woman. Well......(pausing to ponder this observation) I am working on that haha. I have always had this image in my head that you have to be incredibly strong and brave to ever amount to anything. You can imagine my disappointment when I realized that I was "scared" and "weak". Thinking back on a book my mother wrote that talks about thoughts that are real and thoughts that are not. If the thoughts make you feel like a star than they are real and the thoughts that make you feel like a dot are not. That seems to make even more sense not that I am an adult. I have to decide for myself what thoughts are real and what thoughts are not. The thought that I am scared and weak isn't real at all. I am a strong independent woman and I don't need someone to tell me that. I know it already. I am capable of anything. Georgia O'keefe's life made me realize this. She was just an ordinary woman with a pretty ordinary life but she created such masterpieces. I don't need to travel around the world and live this extravigant life to create. I can be extraordinary right where I am. I do have to admit that scares the hell out of me. I always told myself that if only I traveled abroad and studied with the best of the best. If only I didn't get married so young and start popping out babies. If only if only if only..........My journey needed to take me here. Now I begin the next step in my journey. I am ready for it. My soul hungers for it.

My song pick today :Takida - Give Into Me

Morn Ing

Sitting and looking out the window at the world as it rolls by like the waves of the ocean. Sipping my coffee. Feeling my body waking up to a new day. Hearing the the children playing and learning. Tasting the ripeness of the banana.Thinking of all the endless possibilities that this day can offer.Telling myself that today will be what I make it. Concentrating on the sweetness not the bitter. My Ing is in motion.

I seem to find my soul wanting.Needing something. Feeling a yearning deep inside that I can't explain. My hands itch to grab the paint brush and feel the contact of it against the canvas. To feel the paint smooth to my touch. I am craving that emotion of complete surrender. My eyes are wide open and wanting to drink everything in like some delicious wine. A wine that with the first touch to your tongue drinks YOU in instead of the other way around. I want to give in to it. I want to succumb to complete creativity. To just soak myself in it.Let it cover me in ideas and wash over me. Tickling at the surface aching to get out. I do believe that if I let it take me over that something truly amazing could possibly happen. It takes a lot of courage to fully give yourself to an idea. You aren't sure if you are betting on the right idea. You aren't sure that this idea is the one. How can you ever be sure? You can't. Let go and paint. Just paint.

My children in all their glory

My sweet daughter Isabella when she was 4 months old. She is 19 months old now. They grow up so fast.

To start a new is not an easy task. To become something else other than the person you have become is frightening. I have come a custom to this way of life. I never knew that this whole time my brain has been starving.To fear self progress is rooted into our very being.Why am I afraid to succeed?I suppose it is the fear of disappointment. I am terrified that by actually allowing myself room to succeed I will end up not being as billiant as everyone thinks I am. I have become accustomed to never being good enough. Now that i am steadily approaching the line of what I have become and what I want to be I am hesitant.

I want to be here and I want to be there. My body and mind disagree with my heart. How can one win in a fight between the body and soul? I suppose this is just one of those low days. You know what kind of days I am talking about. The kind where you feel like nothing is as it should be and the things that might be where they should be aren't really even close. It is always a risk a mother takes. I could easily lose myself in the daily routine that is my life. Just hide behind the endless alarm clock buzzers and gallons of coffee. Instead I chose to create a blog. Ha!