"Public" Behavior

I need to remember. When things get tough with my kids and I feel as if I am about to implode that there is much more things that are bigger than that. It is so easy to get lost in the sorrow of spilled Diet Pepsi all over your crotch in a restaurant. It is so easy to forget that they are just kids and they aren't going to act just like an adult in public. Hell do I really want them to? When I see those kids that look so terrified to do anything wrong I feel sad inside. I don't want my kids to feel that they can't make a mistake. So what if they forget to cover their mouth and say excuse me when they burp? Compared to the amount of times they remember that is pretty incredible. Like I said though it is easy to get caught up on that mistake. To go overboard with the punishment just because we are out in "public". Really I am just acting this way because I am embarrassed. My child doesn't feel society breathing down their neck. They only know that mommy has become a lovely shade of magenta and she is giving me the mad eyes. I am their link to the "other world". The world beyond our community known as family.They need my understanding of the mistakes and my encouragement to do the right thing next time. Just because I feel ashamed doesn't mean that they have to know that pain. They are just children and let them hold onto that a moment longer.

XVII A Love Sonnet By Pablo Neruda- This sonnet speaks to my inner spaces

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
`
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
`
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
`
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)
`

Throwin Quotes

"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Love is when you look into someone's eyes, And see everything you need."Kristen Kappel

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

I would give anything for just a bit of. A bit off sanity. A bit of silence. A bit of solitude. A bit of yoga. A bit of coffee. A bit of more. Let's face it. I just want a bit of more. Looking into my children's' eyes and seeing all that I have given I suddenly become terrified. Will there be a day that I will have given everything and have nothing left to give? That is why I suppose it is so important to take time to feed the soul. You can't get water from a well if it finds it's self without water to give. I need more to give. Give and more are two words I see an awful lot in this little ramble of thoughts. That is a mother's task. To give more. Children will always hunger for more and it is our mission to not let them starve. So rarely are we told how to obtain that mysterious more that is spoken. It is something that you have to stumble upon on your own.Not unlike everything else that involves mothering a child. The pressures of knowing that you are in complete control( HA! Yeah I know. Complete control my ass but it is a nice thought.)of a smaller version of yourself. It is truly scary and wonderful all at the same time. As I am typing this I am realizing that this whole post is all rather random and lacks flow...............Perhaps I should get a case of Activia for the flow problem and develop extreme organizational skills over night? Eh how about some wine and Hafiz instead. Feed that soul. On a side note I know that the title has nothing to do with the post but hey it be a great word

Letting Go

To breathe in and let that breath flow through you. Feel the earth move under your feet. Imagine the crashing of the waves engulfing your body. Letting go of it all and just let yourself fall. Fall down into the depths. Where there is no light nor is there dark. There is only feeling. Every fiber of your soul comes to life. The fire ignites with in you and suddenly you are aware of it all. It is as if you had never really used your senses before. Your true senses. Your soul senses. The senses that speak out without using words. You have been reborn and now is the time to really FEEL it ALL. Your body quivers with the newness. You take in another breath and this time you breath in everything. You feel that breath tingle all the way through to your inner spaces where nothing dare go. Invigorating , energizing, completely filled with passion. Now to step out of your deep dark place and let the light in.

IL DIVO The Promise La Promesa

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

The promise

If you're not here, I'll become a shadow
If you're not here I'm gonna feel you
how I'd like [to have] the moments that are unrolling
you'd be alone with me
lost in this force that now is
close

In the sky, in the sun
I give you this life and this heart
my promise will remain sincere
it will wait here for you

If you're not here, I will follow the light of the stars
wherever you are, I will cross a sea to get there
there is every move that
blows that fragility of yours on my destiny

In the sky, in the sun
I bring to you this life and this heart
my promise will remain sincere
and it will wait here for you

I won't stop, I'll always be searching
I won't breathe
I have the music , I'll give a song to you,
you are [the] melody, you are mine

In the sky, in the sun
I've finally gained a true love
[being] together it's a dream
our days in this world will be serene
the promise will remain sincere
for eternity

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

A Moment

To find that moment. That window of time to give in to all your passions. To sink into the emotion of it all. To only feel that which is boiling at the surface but never dared emerge. You know the instant your mouth opens with the idea to create it will be the most exquisite work of complete chaos that you have ever uttered. You know that if you let the moment proceed on that you will never truly know. So you seize it and slip it into the folds of your soul. Feeling it give in return. Closing your eyes, you let it shine right into you. Envisioning the idea taking form you pick up the brush and feel your body let go. You embrace the idea fully and accept the true and ever changing nature of it. Trembling with the anticipation of the first stroke of paint that touches the blank canvas. That is the moment when your ideas become the masterpiece. It is truly amazing to watch your hand as it unleashes all the passions that you are feeling deep within. Perhaps it will never be proclaimed as "art" in the critic's eye but that does not matter. Take the moment and savor the pleasure it brings.

I know I have been writing quite a lot about painting and the truth is that I still have yet to find the time to even dust off my palette. I suppose I just have an artist way of feeling things. Everything I do is like painting to me. Waking up to my daughter giggling. A stroke. Stepping down each step before the sun has even bloomed. A stroke. Turning on the coffee and taking a long,slow,deep breath. A stroke. My day has begun as has my masterpiece.

Time

To find time for yourself is almost impossible as a mother. You are always having to take care of something or someone. If I do find a moment to myself then I am bombarded by guilt that I am not taking care of something or someone. It isn't exactly what you call ideal but hey what can ya do? Screw that noise! I know what I can do. I can take the time! Just grab it and own it! Know that I deserve it and don't let guilt stand in my way. I am not going to limit this just to mothers though because I know that a lot of fathers deserve their moments of solitude as well. Oddly enough though most fathers have no worries about taking the time.So why is it then that we(mothers) have such a difficult time? I could play the whole gender card and just say it is our sensitive feminine nature but I know better.It goes much deeper than that. Just speaking for myself really here I would have to say the reason I have issues with taking time is that there is no border between work and home. My work and play coexist within each other, but funny enough I even need a break from the play. Mainly because the play is 2 and 4 year old play and not so much adult play. I love building airplanes out of Lego's and drinking air out of tea cups but I can only go on so long before I start becoming just a little wonky. Who am I kidding I already am a little wonky. I suppose the whole point in this little entry is that I want for all the mothers in the world to not feel so damn guilty about locking the bathroom door and enjoying a good soak in a hot bubble bath. A girl can dream can't she?

Love the lyrics of this song-Set Down Your Glass by Snow Patrol

Stars and Dots

Watched a movie tonight that really brought out some inner feelings. I realized a very important fact. Fear is a necessity if you are going to survive. Many people I am sure would not agree. "To live in fear is not living at all" they would say. Ahh but I believe that to live in fear and then still step forward and do it.....now that is something all on it's own. That is a strength in your soul not just in your body. I am scared shit less so I suppose I should be this incredibly strong and independent woman. Well......(pausing to ponder this observation) I am working on that haha. I have always had this image in my head that you have to be incredibly strong and brave to ever amount to anything. You can imagine my disappointment when I realized that I was "scared" and "weak". Thinking back on a book my mother wrote that talks about thoughts that are real and thoughts that are not. If the thoughts make you feel like a star than they are real and the thoughts that make you feel like a dot are not. That seems to make even more sense not that I am an adult. I have to decide for myself what thoughts are real and what thoughts are not. The thought that I am scared and weak isn't real at all. I am a strong independent woman and I don't need someone to tell me that. I know it already. I am capable of anything. Georgia O'keefe's life made me realize this. She was just an ordinary woman with a pretty ordinary life but she created such masterpieces. I don't need to travel around the world and live this extravigant life to create. I can be extraordinary right where I am. I do have to admit that scares the hell out of me. I always told myself that if only I traveled abroad and studied with the best of the best. If only I didn't get married so young and start popping out babies. If only if only if only..........My journey needed to take me here. Now I begin the next step in my journey. I am ready for it. My soul hungers for it.

My song pick today :Takida - Give Into Me

Morn Ing

Sitting and looking out the window at the world as it rolls by like the waves of the ocean. Sipping my coffee. Feeling my body waking up to a new day. Hearing the the children playing and learning. Tasting the ripeness of the banana.Thinking of all the endless possibilities that this day can offer.Telling myself that today will be what I make it. Concentrating on the sweetness not the bitter. My Ing is in motion.

I seem to find my soul wanting.Needing something. Feeling a yearning deep inside that I can't explain. My hands itch to grab the paint brush and feel the contact of it against the canvas. To feel the paint smooth to my touch. I am craving that emotion of complete surrender. My eyes are wide open and wanting to drink everything in like some delicious wine. A wine that with the first touch to your tongue drinks YOU in instead of the other way around. I want to give in to it. I want to succumb to complete creativity. To just soak myself in it.Let it cover me in ideas and wash over me. Tickling at the surface aching to get out. I do believe that if I let it take me over that something truly amazing could possibly happen. It takes a lot of courage to fully give yourself to an idea. You aren't sure if you are betting on the right idea. You aren't sure that this idea is the one. How can you ever be sure? You can't. Let go and paint. Just paint.