Love can not be defined for it means something different to each soul. A lover need not speak of how much or in what way they love their split apart for their split apart has but to look in their eyes and see.The heart is just an organ it does not love. Your soul and essence is what loves. Your spirit is what truly sees. Love is not about need but more about choice and desire. I can breath without you but I would much rather breath with you. I can make up my mind on my own but I desire your opinion more than anything. I can stand on my own two feet but would you care to stand next to me and hold my hand? Share this light with me? Be the kindle to my fire and I shall be your's. I don't see love being about need at all.

It just isn’t big enough. Nothing is big enough. Everything is small compared to what I have in my mind. I have no idea what all inhabits me but I have this urge to discover it. I want to dig deep into myself and hear the call of the bigger. The MORE! The NOW! Living in the moment. Taking it all in! Letting it become more than just an idea or thought. Letting it become an action. I want to ACT instead of react. I want to be the cause not the affect. I want to be the thread not the needle. I want to be the sun not the flower. You see where I am going with this. I want to be instead of become. I have all that I need inside of me. I am not afraid of it. I will embrace it and welcome it. It is a part of me and no one can take that away. My spirit is immense and filled with untouched and untapped potential. All I need to do is listen and accept. Let it take me over. Let it swell around me and engulf my very being. It is who I am and I should not deny that it exists within me. I can feel it oozing out of me. I can feel it expelling out of me like ink from a pen. Just a little persuasion and there it is. Bold and beautiful. Full of mystery and endless possibilities.

For some reason I don’t seem to know weather or not I am falling or rising. Am I spinning out of control or standing perfectly still with a sense of absolute self awareness? Where is my head have I dropped it again? Are those my feet? These fingers seem to be mine but do they really belong to me? I am not so sure. I say to myself that I am a woman of many roles. Now I just sound like I am some dramatic, diluted, balemic, self absorbed, petty, neurotic, actress that believes that life is acting in many roles. I assure you I am not. I suppose I should use a better word than “roles”. I take many forms in my life.

Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I don't quite recognize myself. I see this empty shell of an incredible woman. I don't think it is terrible what I have become but it is not what i planned exactly. I am not sure if this is what is "normal" to think about or if it very "motherly" of me. I just have some feelings of disappointment. Not in my kids at all! Just in myself. Not having the balls to keep myself through it all. Staying true to myself. Knowing who I am and sticking with that image. Keeping that image crystal clear in my minds eye. I want to look in the mirror and know who I am and be happy with that. I don't want to have this void. I am happy don't get me wrong. I love my family. I just wish I could have that fire too. I suppose that is another less obvious reason we tell our kids not to play with fire. Children and fire in any form can never co exist. I just wish there a solution or even a compromise of some sort. I need that. I need to fill this void.I don't want to fill it with just anything. I want it to stand for something. Didn't when you were a kid ever itch to make some kind of dent in the world. To leave it better than the state you were born into. My children are my dent. They are my difference in this world. They are what I need to fill this void

A Delicious Quote

"When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning. "

— John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom)

Confuzzled

I have lately been racking my mind trying to think of the answers to the questions but all I get is more questions. Perhaps it is actually in reverse. I am getting all the answers and none of the questions. All I know is I am not getting the whole picture. I try and try to remain open to all thought but sometimes it can be difficult. My mind can get clouded by ideas that aren't really there. They are just an illusion,smoke screen, false face, or mask hiding what is the reality of it all. I want to see it for what it really is. I want to feel it for what it really is. I want to touch it for what it really is. I want all this and so much more. If only I knew what it is. I want the answer or was it the question? I do know this, that I can't get it out of my mind what ever it is.

I will Scream

Doubt is like poison in my cup of creativity. My mind is filled with emptiness. I am lacking substance. Can't seem to discover that inner beauty that everyone seems to see but me. I remember those eyes. I remember those hands. That image in the mirror is me but I am not there. The quiver of a memory circulates through my body as if trying to breath life back into it. Memory after memory rushing through me likes jolts of electricity. Pulsing every which way attempting to make the empty shell that stands cold feel again. Grasping desperately at mere recollections of a time long since past or perhaps grasping onto a time that will never be. Doubting every step I took and every step I will take. The past blurrs into the present and the present blurrs into the future. I refuse to be a regret. I refuse to be a doubt. I will not stand by and become just a memory. I am breaking free of this shell. I am shedding this doubt. I am conquering this mountain of uncertainty and once I reach the top I will scream. I will scream for all those that couldn't scream before me. My voice will ring out and I will no longer be just a memory.I will be the woman that I have so long wanted to be.